A/N: Title of the fic is still a song by A Fine Frenzy.  The title of this chapter is my favorite lyric from the song “Ballerina” by Leona Naess. If you have not heard this song, you are to go download it right this second. I heard during one of my all time favorite scenes on “Weeds”. Anyway, I really don’t like this chapter, but I had to do something to get back into writing this fic and well, this was the product. Oh and I have no idea when this is set. Sometime around the Addison/Derek counseling session. 

 
Chapter 1
Chapter 2

 Chapter 3

I did it. I caved. I’m moving. I’m moving to the land where rain, ferryboats, and coffee flow freely. It’s a compromise. I’m moving to Seattle and he isn’t speaking to Meredith anymore.  At the time, it seemed like a fair trade. But now? Not so much.  Moving here is so permanent.  There’s no turning back.  I have uprooted my entire life to come here.  He could talk to Meredith all day every day and I’d never know.  On top of everything else, now I have to worry about a third person in my marriage. I’ll wonder if he’s talking to her, working with her, if she is still a part of his life, our life. That isn’t even close to a fair trade, but he’s willing to give us a second chance. He’s willing to look past my infidelities, (the ones he knows about), and let me back into his life.  And I’m willing to do the same.

I don’t have any choice, but to hang on for dear life. I’m not prepared to face everything I have become on my own. I’m not prepared to wake up everyday and look in the mirror to study the many reasons I hit the self destruct button. I need someone and there is no way I can go back to New York.  After all the things Mark and I did to one another, going back is not an option. There are so many broken pieces to that puzzle that I’m not sure it can ever be one perfect picture.  There are pieces lost and missing and those that just don’t seem to fit anywhere.  Everyone knows that a puzzle with missing pieces here and there is just not pleasing to look at, never mind live with.

I do still think about him everyday. I wonder where he is and who he is and who he might be with. I wonder if he’s moved on or if he’s waking up next to someone else or if I cross his mind during the day or if I’m with him in his dreams. Most of all, I wonder if he’s happy.  He deserves to be happy; everyone does. After the past two months I think both of us wonder if happiness is something that can ever truly be attained, but somehow, someway I think he will find that.  There comes a point when you care about someone so much you just want them to be happy. You don’t care how they find it, but you just hope they do. There comes a point when you love someone so much that you start doing things so they can find happiness.  Me leaving New York was my good deed. It had to be done or we would have forever been smothered with guilt and secrecy and uncertainty. And those are three things no one can live with. Only a few weeks have past, but we all know that’s plenty of time to change someone’s entire life. Time changes all of us and God knows Mark needed a change after the mess we made.

 
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After that counseling session, I just need a drink. There is nothing I want more than to drown my sorrows with a bottle of liquor. I wish Mark was the one I was sitting there with.  I wish he was the one I was working on a relationship with. I wish Mark was the one I would have walked to the car with and eaten dinner with and gone to sleep with and woken up next to.  But he isn’t the one I’m doing those things with. I know that, I really do. It’s just a matter of accepting that fact. I need to find a way to stop looking back and look forward. I still try to convince myself everyday that the decision Mark and I made was the best thing for both of us.

Of course this would all be a lot easier if I recognized the person lying on the other side of the room. How is it that the people we are physically closest to are actually the furthest away? I mean there is a man, whom I do love, lying a few feet from me, but I don’t know who he is. I know who he was, but that wont help me know. If there was a way to get in his head and understand I would. I just want to be on the inside. I want to know everything he is thinking and feeling, but I can’t. And there is nothing more frustrating than trying to understand someone that just won’t let you. I feel like if I can just get on the inside, things will go back. Of course, going back doesn’t seem like an option for Derek these days.

Getting used to new Derek will take some time getting used to.  He’s different. I hope that deep down he is still the same person, but the front he puts up now is not Derek.  Adultery changed him. Girlfriends changed him. Seattle changed him.  And now I’m not sure who he is.  I’m not sure who I am. And I most certainly don’t know who we are together. I had the role of Addison-Derek’s-wife figured out.  I had Addison-the-adulterous-bitch down to a tee.  I knew Addison-Mark’s-lover like the back of my hand.  But Addison, Derek’s-wife-take-two? I don’t know her. I’m uneasy around her and unsure of myself.  I don’t know where I stand or how to ease into this again.  All the uncertainty forces me to cling to every word he’ll give me.  I’m just trying to figure it all out. 

I sit in the trailer and stare at his back as he sleeps and I wonder what I’m doing.  He is in the same room with me, but I’ve never felt more alone. I want to go back. There isn’t much I wouldn’t give to go back to who we used to be. With Mark, there was no trying.  There was no struggling to understand. We both just knew. We understood what we had and what the other needed. We understood the boundaries we had crossed and the ones that needed to be kept. Without saying a word, our relationship had been defined and that was it. Even though we created a bigger mess than we knew what to do with, it was so simple.  The whole ordeal was complicated, but just me and him? It was effortless and easy. When we were together, everything made sense in the strangest way possible. How could something that catastrophic make sense? I still don’t know. What I do know is that I want that sense of lenience to come back. I need to find some sort of calmness in the storm.

Sitting in that trailer, I realize how little I actually have. No words come to me, no feelings are felt. It’s just silence and distance. That’s my life now. Somehow I feel like if I was in this situation with Mark, it would be okay.  I would be alright with this because I would know that no matter what I was still loved. That night as I go to sleep, I say a silent prayer that wherever Mark is, he’s looking for me. Whether it’s in the hallways of the hospital, or on the streets of the city, or even in his dreams, I hope he’s searching. Sleeping is the only place I find peace; it’s the only time Mark and I are together. Because of the time difference, I think about how Mark is already dreaming, but he’s sitting there and he’s waiting for me. As soon as I close my eyes, we’re together. Even if it’s only when I sleep at night, we are together in the only way we can be.

So so sorry. Just come back to me now…